Surviving Marriage

Surviving Marriage

Nowadays, couples begin their marital life riddled with worrying statistics. If the four-year itch doesn’t get you, the seven-year itch just might. Here’s how to cope

The rise in the number of divorce cases across the globe has become a cause of concern among young couples. The thought of marriage makes them more anxious than ever. So much so that when they finally do tie the knot, they enter the relationship unsure if it's going to work.

But many marriages do survive. How do they do it? We look at the different stages of married life, and how to make sure your union has a happy ending.


THE ‘ITCH’

Most of us already know that a marriage has its ups and downs. Even statistics show that the quality of a marriage takes a dip in the early years, and stabilises only to take a dip again – one during the early years of marriage, normally known as the 'four-year itch', and then again around the eighth year of marriage, known as the 'seven-year itch'.


SIGNS OF THE ITCH

• Disagree with each other more often
• Become less affectionate
• Share fewer activities
• Blame, criticise and ridicule each other
• Concentrate on being right rather than working together


TACKLING THE STAGES

The LUI (loving under the influence) stage: This is the stage that could lead to a relationship and marriage. You have stars in your eyes and your heart beats to the rhythm of love. Scientists call it the PEA rush. When in love, your body is flooded with the endorphin PEA (phenoethalymine). PEA boosts your feelings of well-being and sexual desire. When this stage evolves into commitment, it's called the honeymoon stage.

Watch out for: Try to look past the romantic haze and see whether you share similar interests and values, before tying the knot. Also, if you feel more anxious than happy, get out. If you decide to commit, enjoy this period and make the most of it.

The LD (let down) stage: The biggest myths about love is that it's forever. So, when the euphoria starts to fade we think that love wasn't true after all. One reason for the let down feeling is that PEA production is beginning to decline. And because we see the other person as the source of that warmth, we don't take it seriously.

The LD stage can happen at one year, four years and again at seven years. After that, marriages tend to stabilise. However, these feelings of discontent can strike at any time in a marriage.

Watch out for: This is the period that can make or break a relationship. However, most marriage counsellors feel that in the end, it has nothing to do with itches, endorphins or primitive urges. Instead, it has everything to do with two people, and their willingness to make their marriage worthwhile.

You should not think in terms of 'working' on your relationship, but should rather focus on 'giving it attention'. If a marriage succumbs to the four- or seven-year itch, it is most likely because the couple concerned ignored their problems rather than solved them.


WHAT YOU CAN DO

• Consult your partner before making plans or decisions. You both will get to do more of your own thing

• Set aside time to talk on a daily basis, even if it's just for 20 minutes

• Take time to dress up and go out on dates

• Focus on your own behaviour. What are you putting into the relationship? Does it make it grow or stunt it? Then take one step at a time to change the negative things

• If nothing helps, you might need to see a marriage counsellor

• Don't throw away your marriage because it looks difficult. You will most likely only repeat the same pattern in your next relationship

• Consider a happy marriage as a gift to yourself - and a legacy for your children.